I don’t know why

For some reason I’ve been really down recently, I haven’t really thought about why but, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because I am doing nothing – this is less about my anxiety about food and more to do with a slow onset bought of depression due to the fact that my life is literally meaningless: no direction, motivation has dried up, no ambition. I know this started because I was in a bad place when I became unemployed, so I didn’t want to find something, I wanted to feel better – I put myself in a Catch-22 situation and now I need to get out of it.

My anxiety is worse, I know that. And I’m becoming more obsessive with how and what I eat – the reason I know this is because I’ve started gaining weight again – I’ve been restricting and binging, (no purging). All I can focus on is food and it’s worrying me that I’m starting to backtrack and all the hard work I’ve put in for the last 5 years of my life is going to be for nothing. This is another Catch-22, I’m working in circles linked to circles – I’ve wanted to try and draw this out for a while, so maybe that’s what I’ll do tonight, after I get back from yoga.

I’ve already spent an hour exercising today, I went running for half hour and then did an ab routine that my brother gave me (with some modifications, he’s crazy fit and I’m trying to get there, but I’m not there yet). I feel better for it, but I’m still having food-anxiety; right now I’m hungry, I’m moving closer and closer towards feeling faint and dizzy, I know I should eat but walking into the kitchen is just so daunting at the moment, I’m making a mountain out of a meadow, but that’s what it is. My kitchen, which I love, where I can bake, where I can sit on the side and talk to my dad in the evening, where I end up when we have parties, the focal point of our house, has morphed: it does not retain a shape, rather transforms again and again into different, but equally daunting, projections of how I feel: dungeons, mountains, caves, black abysses, a laughing face – they shift and change so often I couldn’t name them all, my over active imagination is off on one and I just want to curl up and avoid it – avoid the kitchen, avoid my brain.

I’m debating taking something to calm me down, but I have yoga to think about later that I really want to go to; there’s also a chance that I would forget to eat and pig out later when I came to…

I just want to be happy.

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