I have two types of triggers, those that make me eat and those that make me sick – in combination, we have full scale, fall off the wagon, as of yet, I have avoided this.
At the moment trigger foods are easy to avoid; I have almost completely cut them out by adopting a vegan diet (for the most part), I feel better for this, I have more energy and food-stress is subsiding; restaurants are still hell on earth, don’t get me started on those that print the calories next to the food, if I get really hungry I’m often left sitting on the floor of my kitchen with every door open, rocking back and forth in the middle of all the choice and uncertainty, but, on a meal to meal basis I’ve learnt to deal with things easier; I’m no where near where I need to be with this, the anxiety caused by craving is still, at times, debilitating. I am dealing though and that’s a positive I need to focus on.
It becomes harder when I have anxiety caused by other things. Now this list is endless or at least seems that way at the moment. Today two collided with force.
I wont go into the details, they’re boring and to be honest I would need hours with a therapist to even get them sorted in my head, but the gist is my home life. There’s a strange dynamic between my mother and her mother, I live with both, that often leaves me feeling the brunt of all the bad emotions; I am held responsible for picking up the pieces and have had this for a very long time – recently this has become more of a problem as my nan’s dementia gets worse; my mum, for lack of a better term, has shut down and she needs a re-boot, needs to readjust, upgrade and work with the change in times – she seems incapable of doing this, unable to move forwards and deal with her situation. I feel sorry for her. I am at once compelled to help her and forced, which is creating a resentment that I cannot control.
And what happens when there is something that we cannot control? Ah yes, the old favourite, we control food.
Food becomes the outlet for all those emotions, it becomes the focal point of all anxiety, because then we can control something.
(I keep referring to a “we”, let me clarify, this is just me, not a universal “one”; I often read and hear people who suffer with an ED refer to the voice in their head as a separate entity, I guess this is how I do that, I hope that clarifies rather than confuses). I have digressed, let’s get back to food…
So yes, where was I…: I start trying to assert control over food, or at least part of me does. I fight it or I try to, it creeps in as it would. For the more observant of you, you would have seen that I have conflict producing conflict… This is what happens when you try to resolve your ED while still operating in the world that produced it. My bulimia was a coping mechanism for the stress that I internalised – it was, very literally, cathartic.
I had, for a while, been trying to deduce how and why I came to be this way, in the hopes that I will be able to overcome it; at first, the conclusion that my bulimia was simply a way that I handled things was a release. However, I’m now at the stage where I need to find new ways to cope. And it’s just not easy. That may be why this post is so jumbled, I see how things work but I honestly can’t textualise/verablise – there’s in and outs and crossings that I cannot work out why they intersect or lead onto each other, they just do.
My crude attempt to use paint to help me explain has, quite obviously, failed. Oh well, I got to piss about on Paint for a while, that was fun. It’s taken my mind off stuff. I need to find something else to do, I’ve lost all my concentration.