I’ve been putting this off so long, WordPress has changed

Two weeks ago I ended an, almost, five year stint of being purge free.
This is a horrible sentence to write, not only does it confirm, in no uncertain terms, that I relapsed, but it also indicates how much I distance myself from my problems; I cannot even, in a completely anonymous way admit that I struggle – that I can fail. For me this recovery is driven by my ability to compartmentalise, and therefore recognise those part of me that are bad for my health, I separate to function. What is happening recently is that I’m unravelling, I feel like at some point, in the past month, the wrong stick was pulled in the game of Kerplunk that is my life – I cannot cope with all the marbles.
Things are tumbling, things that I can shut off and have for quite a while, are beginning to rear their ugly head: my self destruct countdown is on and I cannot seem to remember the stop code. So as my life starts to explode, compartment by compartment, I am left in a panic. Can I remember how I got to five years?
Honestly, I can’t. I don’t know how I did.
I’m trying to focus on the fact that even though the destructive, emotionally masochistic behaviour is starting to set in; the never ending self doubt and low self esteem that it stems from is taking route – I have reached two weeks. I did not start cycling, I have not binged, I went back to food that I feel happy eating, I’m keeping to three meals a day, I’m even adding some variety into my diet just to keep myself functioning.
What scares me is that I have started craving trigger foods, I cannot help fixating on the fact that I have not eaten potato salad in four years. Being vegan is helping this, I cannot go out and buy, indulge and deal with the consequences, instead I think of the long process that it would take to hunt down the vegan mayo that I like, cook the potatoes, etc. etc. and that seems to sate me for a while.
Being BBQ season however has meant that I am on a weekly basis forced to address this, and it’s tiring. It’s also the time that many of my friends start to diet and be more concious of how they look – they have holidays and strangers to impress in their bikinis – this is obviously affecting me; I’ve listened to so many diet plans and what these women “can” and “can’t” eat I’m ready to kick someone, punch something, god help the next person who ropes me into a conversation about “low carbs” or “juicing”.
I’m not sure what else I’m meant to do, I feel angry, with myself, with people around me. My friend told me to use this anger to my advantage, tomorrow I will try to do that, push myself forward, spur myself on, tell myself that I am better than all this shit – self pep-talks are really my forte, but others seem to have faith in me, maybe I just need to believe them.


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