An end to an extended hiatus – round up

I’ve been bad, I’ve been okay and then I’ve been bad again. I’ve started two new jobs in as many months (first temp and now a more permanent fixture) there’s early mornings and new routines and I can’t get everything down, which is making me down.
Sporadic gym sessions and strange, time pressured meals have left me in a nightmare of food guilt and anxiety. Even over the weekend things are bad, maybe worse, I don’t know – auto pilot had kicked in a little and I’m doing things because I know I should, but I really just want to curl in a ball and forget that I exist. I’ve pushed back two panic attacks that started at work, lunch times and new people are not a great combination, and then when I’m going home the pressure on my brain starts to mount a little more; I can’t relax on the way home, I can’t relax at home, it’s persistent and excessive.
I’m not sure I see a way out of this one, not yet, I can’t work out what it is I should do to feel better. I’m trying to concentrate on getting a routine down, getting back to the gym, knowing what I want to do and when, but it’s hard. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. There’s also stuff in my private life that’s making me go a bit screwy – I don’t really where to begin explaining what’s happening there; the result is self doubt, body anxiety, feelings of worthlessness – I’m beginning to realise that a lot of this is fall out from my last relationship. Over for about a year now, there are certain aspects of those four years that really haunt me, that have wounded me in a way where I don’t think I’ll ever heal.
I’ve begun wishing I was a better person, a stronger person, a person; I feel like an absence of person, a shell or space where a person is meant to be. I can no longer see the beauty in things, the world has turned to grey mush – I have done the same.


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