An end to an extended hiatus – round up

I’ve been bad, I’ve been okay and then I’ve been bad again. I’ve started two new jobs in as many months (first temp and now a more permanent fixture) there’s early mornings and new routines and I can’t get everything down, which is making me down.
Sporadic gym sessions and strange, time pressured meals have left me in a nightmare of food guilt and anxiety. Even over the weekend things are bad, maybe worse, I don’t know – auto pilot had kicked in a little and I’m doing things because I know I should, but I really just want to curl in a ball and forget that I exist. I’ve pushed back two panic attacks that started at work, lunch times and new people are not a great combination, and then when I’m going home the pressure on my brain starts to mount a little more; I can’t relax on the way home, I can’t relax at home, it’s persistent and excessive.
I’m not sure I see a way out of this one, not yet, I can’t work out what it is I should do to feel better. I’m trying to concentrate on getting a routine down, getting back to the gym, knowing what I want to do and when, but it’s hard. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. There’s also stuff in my private life that’s making me go a bit screwy – I don’t really where to begin explaining what’s happening there; the result is self doubt, body anxiety, feelings of worthlessness – I’m beginning to realise that a lot of this is fall out from my last relationship. Over for about a year now, there are certain aspects of those four years that really haunt me, that have wounded me in a way where I don’t think I’ll ever heal.
I’ve begun wishing I was a better person, a stronger person, a person; I feel like an absence of person, a shell or space where a person is meant to be. I can no longer see the beauty in things, the world has turned to grey mush – I have done the same.

Warning! Please Do Not Read – Excessive Venting of a Disturbing Nature

Ending my unexpected hiatus just to drop in and say: I am fucked.

I have lost any motivation to do anything, I’m stumbling around rock bottom, I am giving up on everything because apparently trying to do something always ends up making me feel worse. I am good at nothing. Nobody wants me. I will never be anything or make anything of myself, I will never feel loved and I will forever be worthless.

This is just the way I will live.

Disgusting. Worthless. Redundant. Stupid. Ugly. Horrible.

Failed – but not entirely

I didn’t have pancakes, not yesterday and not today – but instead I made banana bread and ate said banana bread, with peanut butter. I have decided Sunday is pancake day and I’m going to get maple syrup to make it extra special, I’m not disappointed with myself, I knew that it was going to be a tough task to do it, I’m more proud of myself for recognising that yesterday/today wasn’t/isn’t a good day for me to be pushing myself that far and instead knowing my limits and still challenging myself within those boundaries.

My banana bread is amazing, just so you all know.

I adapted several recipes and spliced them together. It’s nice making something, in fact I may have to go and get some more now.

mid-week challenge

I have been craving pancakes for weeks now, I haven’t felt safe eating them; they aren’t a trigger food, just high calories and seem so decadent – more than anything this could leave me seriously restricting (starving) myself for days and I really can’t take that. I’m back to working out for fun, pushing myself and feeling awesome about it.
I have only felt a little guilty eating recently and knowing that I’m going to/getting back from the gym has made most the guilt vanish – even my anxiety is down.
I’ve decided that in this present state of mind I’m giving into the craving, making myself coffee and pancakes in the morning, and do some yoga in the garden (if it’s not raining).

(pancakes will be vegan 🌱 almond and blueberry, I can’t wait)

I don’t want to TFIF, I want the week back

What the hell is the point in going to the gym if I still feel like a tub of lard?
I’m so weak today, I thought I’d eaten loads but I might be wrong, I had a cupcake and I know that can throw me off; I’ve not even left the gym properly yet…
Getting home and sorting out how many calories I’ve eaten, cooking dinner, and then getting some research done before my interview tomorrow – I feel too weak for any of that shit.
Fuck.

Lack of Nicotine Left Me Grouchy

I’ve been arguing with my mum less, but it hasn’t stopped. I’ve come to realise that a lot of the reasons we argue are very tangible in my head, yet I am unable to convey them – I know that in the past when I have spoken to her about repetitive behaviours and phrases that she uses, or now I guess used, she has stopped; one instance of this being that she would often yell at me “words”, that I lacked emotion, that I didn’t care and I confused her, she was repeating the words that I would hear over and over from friends who simply take the piss out of me because I… I operate intellectually, I apply feminist theory to everything and I will talk about politics, and they don’t want to hear, so they belittle me and that’s what my mum did. She has stopped. I feel better for this, although I don’t think she really understands how far the bullying goes or how much she reinforced it in my head. She continued the ostracising, I was at home and should have felt safe, but I didn’t. I learnt not to talk to her, about anything really, because she never made me feel safe.
She resents me for this as much as I resent her, I know that, but it doesn’t make either one of us right, it just leaves us in limbo. That limbo is exacerbated by the fact that a lot of the things that anger me about her, and her behaviours towards me, are to do with food. She has a really bad relationship with food, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who has looked up ED statistics, hers maybe isn’t ED, she tends towards binge eating and it is something that she actively encouraged with me while I was growing up. I think this is where my resentment comes from, so now when she says anything about food I want to lash out, like she’s purposefully trying to breakdown any type of progression I have made.
I feel like any little mention of food, from her lips, is her trying to control my eating the way she used to.
These are the things that she taught me:
all food on plate had to be cleared, no matter how full you were
seconds were praised, thirds were bragged about to friends
comfort eating is the only way to deal with something bad happening
moderation is for healthy food, junk food should be eaten in vast quantities
therefore, there is no such thing as self control, you must want that whole bag of crisps and therefore you have to eat them all
you can only be thin if you don’t eat
thin people are to be envied, hated and ridiculed
All of this fed into my ED, and as I’m trying to get better her continuance of this behaviour is so frustrating I am just constantly annoyed at her. She’s just got home from work, so I’m going to save as draft and carry it on in a little while.

I’ve read back trough this, actually less jumbled than I thought it was, that’s good.
Mum got in and, as if to prove my point, started going on about the fact that she’s on a 500 calorie day – this makes me feel guilty, I ate that for breakfast today – I feel dirty and disgusting and the anxiety has started taking over by the time I go to pick up my dad, who has Chinese take-out. I’m stuck between my father eating greasy food and my mother chastising him for it, making him feel guilty, making me feel guilty – he can’t have it, because she can’t. She’s restricting in a way that makes her crave and that, all together now, leads to binging.
I could run away, but I sat and watched a film with my family; tried to eat a healthy dinner, think I managed. I’ve been too many days out of the gym, so while I did at bit of strength training today, I’m getting restless and starting to feel horrible. Swimming and yoga tomorrow I think, maybe a little session in the gym too.
This hasn’t altogether been a bad day, just one that has really tested all my coping strategies, I pushed and tried, it’s the end of the day and I don’t feel awful – I’m taking this as a win.

I may have been a little drunk last night

Woke up with a hangover and last night’s food anxiety still very much present. It’s a horrible combination that is making me very uncomfortable, I’m nervous and tired; all I want is to curl up in a ball and have someone look after me, but as usual it will be me rushing about and trying to keep everyone happy.
I’m travelling to a shipping centre with my mum at the moment, there’s meant to be a hurricane, which is obviously easier than dealing with my mum on a shopping trip.
Can I throw up in the car and pretend I’ve developed motion sickness?
No?
No…