So, technically day three went okay, it went well in fact. That’s good for day three. Two days later I want to binge, kill my mother and hurt myself… I wonder if the two are connected…
I weighed myself once yesterday and twice today, was a great day today I weighed a lot less, lactic acid weighs a tonne.
I not sure how long I can deal with this, I have a job interview next week, and once again I’m waiting for them to say yes, so I can move out of this house.
I’m drunk. This sucks. I’ll you updated.
Oh and p.s. the guy I have been sleeping with has been talking to me about his ex, awesome.
fuck the world.
I really don’t know what I was doing yesterday to take up my whole entire day, but it got taken over. I had a rest day from the gym, baked cookies and felt okay. I managed to avoid the scales! Two days running (and counting) which again was a bit scary yesterday and a couple of times when I walked into the bathroom I had to walk back out again and go use the downstairs one – scale free. I signed up for a new grad recruitment website and have been called a couple times this morning from recruitment companies, but no I do not wish to go into recruitment, no I do not wish to go into sales – needless to say they weren’t that productive, and I had a flash of red when the second rang (after one phone call and 4 or 5 emails from different companies) and I had to explain that I am not looking at the rolls they place for; although, seeing as these recruitment companies are always hiring people that don’t even read an effing CV maybe I should give it a go, sounds like a doss, actually, scrap that, I would put effort in, I couldn’t leave as many typos, grammatical errors or spelling mistakes as most of the people in these roles seem to.
Anyway, so yes, no scales, applications made, and I’m pretty sure I got the calories I needed yesterday; I wasn’t tracking, mainly because I decided that I couldn’t be bothered to work out how many calories my cookies had in them. I enjoyed TWO cookies, breakfast, lunch and dinner! PLUS my new smoothie maker came, so I had a smoothie too, like I said, pretty sure I got enough.
I will be posting shortly about how I got on today.
I’m doing well so far: decent breakfast and lunch; managed to avoid the scale, this morning was hard, but I made myself busy for long enough to get away from it; job applications aren’t coming along too well – I barely slept last night and my brain, instead of wanting to do something productive to further my life, can only concentrate on how I’m going to make it through a half hour gym session and yoga tonight. I’m trying to get my energy together, set my head straight, build up some motivation and courage.
I set out to write this to galvanise me into doing application writing, I thought that maybe typing something else would help me move things along, instead all I’ve done is realised how shocking my brain function is at the moment.
I woke up this morning, with the opposite of “that Monday feeling”. Instead I woke up feeling better than I have done in a little while. There’s nothing I have done to really affect this change, just my body going through its normal ups and downs, so I’ve decided to try and capitalise on this feeling by setting myself a few challenges:
1. I will not weigh myself for the next three days – that’s Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, scale free. I’m fed up of the dictator that is my scale, and as much as I try to avoid it, I’m always drawn in. I haven’t managed to last three days in a while, but I feel like this is doable.
2. I will make sure I get all the calories I need – I’ve started tracking my calorie intake, this started because I felt like I was overeating (which I was), but I needed something to reassure myself that it really wasn’t that much and I didn’t need to purge, basically a diet plan; the only problem is that I’ve noticed some days I’m seriously under-eating, I do not want to put my body through the rigmarole of “starvation mode” and getting my metabolism back up etc. etc. so instead I’m aiming to keep my intake at something I am happy with, but that won’t let my metabolic rate to plummet.
3. I will do more job applications this week – when I am feeling bad, job applications feel like the worst idea, I can’t deal with the rejection (or complete lack of acknowledgement), so I must capitalise on the good feelings and apply for as many as I can in this time! Basically, I must not get distracted by pretty things that are fun and unproductive aha!
I am going to check in each day with my progress, I feel like if I am tracking everything I will manage my time better, give myself some structure, but it might keep me on track better. If I fail, in any of the above, I will not be upset, and that is most important – I am setting these goals to make use of the good emotions, not to force myself back into bad ones.
Stay Positive ❤
I am currently on a course of antibiotics and they are fucking up my eating – I have to take them on an empty stomach. As a rule, I generally do not let myself have an empty stomach, I do this so I don’t feel hungry and then binge eat, I can basically avoid getting back into a cycle with a couple of almonds or a stick of celery. These little bits of food keep me going and keep me on track, without them I have found myself getting more anxious around food, overeating when I do have the chance and I feel like utter . Because of this I’m really restricting my food intake today, not dangerously so, just making sure I don’t have three bowls of cereal for breakfast, kind of thing.
I’m writing this to distract myself, it’s almost been an hour since I took my last dose which means I get to eat lunch in a bit, I’m just so hungry I feel dizzy – I could honestly punch the doctor who prescribed me these, but at the moment I’m pretty sure the exertion would cause me to see double, I would punch through air and maybe topple over. I haven’t planned my lunch, which I’m realising is a bad idea – I should have sorted that out before.
Not only are these antibiotics fucking up my eating, they’ve also cause a massive eczema flare up on my face and a few other places (but they aren’t as bad nor as noticeable). So I’m sore, hungry, bloated (from over eating) and I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of days.
I have decided today will be a better day, but I’ve already had a few concerned little comments when I mentioned this – I’m trying not to let them bug me, because I know if I don’t just do what I need to do today I’ll end up feeling worse and I’ll spiral.
I’ve put on 2lbs.
Yes I’m leaving that there, by itself. If I leave it there I might be able to get on with my day and have some lunch. This is such a muddle, I blame the antibiotics.
I don’t often post without consideration, without a long thought process about what I’m going to type, however I’m so angry that I really just need to get this out into the world so it doesn’t eat me up.
Just appeared on my Facebook feed.
I know that I regularly post on the influence of media on body image, not only on my own, but also how it will effect others as it becomes more constant and unavoidable. I have issues, not only with the fact that so much advertising and so many products are out there, that encourage unhealthy dietary, excersize and body image habits, but that many of the advertisements perpetuate the misogynistic view that a woman’s body is simply for a man’s pleasure.
If we, as women, are denied pleasure in ourselves; if we are only valued for our ability to conform to the doctrine of “beauty”; if we can only have validation through male eyes; if we have no power over ourselves and if men have all that power, how are we meant to be happy with ourselves?
The answer is: we are not; then we cannot be controlled, we cannot be extorted by the beauty and fitness and fashion industry. We are not meant to be happy, that is what they tell us: you are not good enough. We must be kept marginalised; just one less demographic to disrupt the status quo.
I find recognising this and maintaining a level of abstract helpful with my recovery, I can start to reject the outside influnces, get angry, fuel my fire to get better; I just want to do more to help others so they don’t fall down into this rabbit hole.